Waiting for her

I don’t know where you are. You may only be a thought. Maybe you’re developing inside of your birth mother – moving and growing and sprouting fingernails. Or maybe you’re in a crib somewhere. Right now I don’t know. But I do know that I love you. And I can’t wait to hold you.
I think about that day all the time. We just celebrated your brother’s 7th month of life and I found myself longing for you as I sat there in awe of the idea that I’ve now shared seven months with your amazing brother. I wonder where you are.
I don’t want you to have even a moment without arms around you. I’m praying for your birth mom and family. I’m praying for the doctors that deliver you. And I pray for whomever cares for you (nurses, orphanage care assistants, foster parents…I don’t even know). I pray that they’ll realize just how special you are. I pray that they will let you know as well. I pray that no matter what you face in the days before we meet you and for all your days after that God is whispering into your ear that He loves you. I pray that you’ll have the joy of hearing Him sing over you, even if your life begins with no one to do that for you. I pray that He’ll be so near to you and hold you so ridiculously tight. I pray that He’ll record somehow every moment of your development – your cribmates if you have any, your birth, your everything and let me watch it one day if I can’t be a part of it when it happens.
And I know He’ll take good care of you. I know He loves you even more than I could. And I know He will be giddy with excitement over each coo, every gassy “smile” and every little newborn startle you might have before and after we meet you. But so you know, I long to be there for it all because you are that important.
We’ll see what He does. Right now we’re just waiting. We talk about you all the time. Hannah even tells people about her sister. (And she’s not just trying to insult Jayden.) I pray for all the moments of your life and I think about you all the time. As we laugh and celebrate as a family, I think about how great it will be to add you to all of it. I realize we’re probably not ready for you yet – and hey – maybe you’re not even growing inside of your birth mother yet. But I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and whisper your name over you, Mia. By the time you read this, I’ll probably have told you a million times, but God has given you the name Mia so that you would know He calls you “mine.” And to think I get to have that privilege too…
I love you. I can’t wait to meet you.

Love,
Mommy

Oh, ya know...

I don't know the last time that I had a full and complete at least somewhat rational thought. This would be me on the downward spiral of ADD. This is where I can't think at all. And I feel like I'm completely stuck drowning in this pit.
So many things are racing through my head. Anger towards parents who love to complain about their kids, joy over taking Jayden to the pool for the first time and the precious moment you experience when you realize how amazing it is that you get to see this little person's firsts..., gratitude for my church and the amazingly broken, honest, committed people there, embarrassment over the hypocrisy in my life, and it just keeps going.
But the one thing I'm trying to cling to just happened. I was so frustrated with Jayden. (my 7 month old little man) He wouldn't stop crying and it was beyond time for him to be napping. His preferred method of coping at that moment: screaming. I was so angry with him. I wanted to just walk away. I found myself ridiculously frustrated that he doesn't understand much English and that you just couldn't reason with him and help him see that napping would clearly be the best thing for all of us.
And then I realized. That's me. And God never walks out on me.
I looked deep into Jayden's eyes. I apologized for how angry I was with him. And I made a vow that went something like this:

Jayden Michael, I vow to love you. I vow that I will continually come back to giving you everything I have for all the days that God gives me. I vow to remember that you are an incredible gift and that even in the hard moments, it is an extreme privilege to walk through life with you. I vow to give you all that I can as your mommy. I vow to carry you when you need it (hopefully representing how God carries you), to hold your hand when life is hard and to watch and be your biggest fan when you don't need me. I vow to do my best to help you learn to depend on Jesus and to show you what His love for you looks like - the crazy, reckless, amazing love that He showed by His life and by His death. I vow to keep pursuing God and letting Him rip out and redo all the ugly, messy, warped areas of my life from my own issues and the things others have done in my life as well. I vow to give you all the love I can give, even when it's hard.


I think what I said was better then and that's when it mattered anyway. But there's an idea. And in an attempt to throw rocks at my ridiculous obsession with only putting "perfect" things out into the view of others...here it is unedited. And unperfect. And with a big thank you to my husband for teaching me that is okay to fail. I'm a blessed girl.
Great friends. Great man. Great God. Great church. Great spa... And GREAT kids

A beautiful day in my neighborhood

I sometimes feel like the poster child for ADD. In an effort to post something of worth even if I don't have time to write and process all the thoughts bouncing around in my head (and yes, they do bounce), I thought I could at least post something that describes the beauty before me on a daily basis. So here's a little peek into what I get to enjoy everyday. I'm a fan. (And Katie, you're still a blender, right?)

ADD ramblings, wrestlings and thoughts

If I could give you a picture of the circus currently going on in my head, you would probably need to envision a raging bull that had just consumed 24 Mountain Dews, saw a red flag and found himself boxed in a small cage constraining his movements to only a mere twitch. Restless might describe my current state, but alas, the bull mental picture was a much more exciting venture with words. Ah, ADD.
My mind is inundated with thoughts, questions, wrestling of the soul, running commentaries, dreams and the like. I'm bombarded with the desire to race ahead in life. I don't want it to be now anymore. Because now is waiting. Now is twiddling my thumbs. Now is obsessively checking my email to see if maybe I'll get one that makes a difference. Now is the anticipation of great moments, hard times, and yet experiencing none of the above with no guarantee as to the great moments or hard times actually playing themselves out. Now is risky. Now could turn any direction at any given moment, but is currently not turning at all. Now is still. (Yep, definitely just checked my email for one of those life-changing messages that never seem to come. I am ridiculous.)
So where am I going with this? Right now - no where, and quite quickly, might I add.
Since I find myself in a losing battle of ADD sucking my brain dry and me handing myself over to it on a sliver platter, I will write as an ADD person. Here are some of my thoughts:

Sometimes, life sucks. I mean, it doesn't and yet it does all at the same time. Right now I'm watching as some good friends have been dealt a hefty blow in life. My heart aches for them. I wish there were something I could do, but there honestly isn't...except listening and praying. And it's hard because I feel like it's nothing, and yet, part of me knows it's got to be everything. I just keep coming to God, begging Him for some sort of way to change things for them, to let me walk through it so they don't have to, to just have some word or some act that would just make it better. And I find I've got a whole bunch of nothing. Nothing except talking to Him. And though I don't totally get it and it frustrates me and I'm dumbfounded by the idea, I think that's everything.
In the past few days as I've poured out my everything to Jesus, my frustrations for my friends, my anger that this could happen to such precious people and my mental exhaustion over the idea that all I can do is pray, I keep coming to this thought: If I could really see the world for what it is, if I really saw things the way they are - the way God sees them, I might realize that is everything. Prayer is everything. It is huge. That dialogue with God mixed with the faith of a mustard seed supposedly has a track record of being able to move mountains. (Which I will SOOOOO admit I don't fully understand) And so I cling and pray and wrestle and come back humbled to think that one day I may get the chance to see how much prayer actually does. And how little I did it. So here's to mystically somehow having an incredible thing to offer my friends that doesn't feel like much, but I guess does untold things... If only I could see how huge - maybe God will start showing me. And maybe in a lot of ways He already has... (Sorry, you are now just following the course of my thought process. I am no longer trying to form witty explanations and put-together stories)

Other thoughts...God has seriously amazed me. A few years ago, I was a voice major at Indiana University. I had studied voice for 7 years or so. (Shout out to the Youth Performing Arts School in Louisville, KY) It had been my life. I had dreams of continuing in performing and all sorts of crazy stuff. And then God asked me to give it up and let Him bring it back when it was time. Not like never sing - not even to your kids or anything, but more of a don't study it in school, don't pursue opportunities to sing, just let it go for now. And through tears and a lack of trust combined with a lot of trust - I did. And during that time, Jesus taught me a lot. A lot about the god I had made it, the pride I had with it, the constant analyzing I did to it. I also had the privilege of taking amazing classes at Wheaton College about ministry and working with youth and counseling and such. (Even though Wheaton was an incredibly hard place for me to be) Through those years I have worked with some of the MOST AMAZING youth that ever were - hands down. I have had the privilege of hearing their stories and walking through life with them, even if it was for a short period of time. I spent my time in coffee shops and restaurants with the UNBELIEVABLE chance to hear their stories and talk with them about Jesus. I would not trade ANY of those moments for the world. And I still remember Starbucks dates, basement convos, Chili's dinners and the like and coming home in awe of the fact that I got to listen to them and pray and care. And now, though I still get to do some of that, be it over Skype or amidst piles of toys with homemade chai lattes, I think God may be bringing this part back. But new and better and sacred-like. I've decided (though in true Amy form, I go back and forth wondering how on earth I can actually make this a reality to then chasing after it full force to doubting again to dreaming of every little detail...well, you get the point. Oooh, look at me prefacing before I ever say anything AGAIN!) that I'm going to put together a recital/concerty type thing of sorts. (Like the non-committal Amy lingo there? Quality.) I'm excited. Nervous. Terrifed. And electrified. But in the midst of it all, I'm blown away that God remembered. He didn't forget me. And He's made it so much better than it was before. And how amazing is it that He'd let me make music? I get to create. I'm so excited I seriously could wet my pants. And for those of you who know me, you realize it won't be a normal recital at all. I have all sorts of crazy ideas floating around. I'm just hoping I won't let it stay floating like I usually do in all my ADD procrastinating glory, but that this time, I chase it down. I have a feeling that the ADD people in attendance that night will totally love it and the non-ADD portion of the audience will have mental whiplash... Oh well.
But really quickly, how amazing is it that God loves me enough not to forget? It makes me tear up. He would let me do this? I'm still in awe.
Which brings me to another thought - I've been reading one of the books of the Bible called Exodus. And I've been reading the whole part where God brings the people out of Egypt and such and when He starts the whole deal and comes to Moses, God tells him that He has SEEN their pain and HEARD their cries. That makes me cry. He doesn't just stay removed. He's all over it. He's been there with them. Kinda cool.

More thoughts:
My kids rock
My husband is really neat.
Jesus has given me some amazing friends. Friends I can actually share all of me with and they don't run away screaming. That's beyond cool.
I am in love with photography and I desperately want to capture amazing moments. And I'm searching out how... If you see my kids walking around with a strange look in their eyes it's probably from overexposure to the flash on my new camera.
I am a blessed lady to have a husband that can handle the ADD madness and he still believes in me. He still pushes me to chase dreams... And for some reasons he takes all of my random dreams and ideas on how to change the world and what to pursue next and he actually believes in me and helps make it happen. I'm more blessed than I even know.
I've got a real writing piece brewing in my mind about Hannah's latest poop issues and what God's been showing me through it about my own sin. Oh yeah...
We have a really cool church and if anyone reading this lives around the Chicago area and wants to come - we'd love it. It's not perfect, but it's really neat. Quality peeps.
I think about all the kids I know who are in college now ALL the time. (And the middle and high schoolers from Life Church and Campus Lifers and badminton girls) Yep, if you're one of them, I probably think about you and pray for you a lot. And possibly facebook stalk you...awkward moment. I don't do a good enough job of letting you all know though. But I'm beyond grateful for every one of you.
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad that an amazing lady, Kelly Schmidt was born today. Don't know what I'd do without her. My house feels really empty with her at Azusa, but my heart is seriously full because of her in our lives.

Alright, I'm gonna go feed a kid. And maybe give up on the compulsive checking of my email and basic search for something that could possibly change my life right now. Maybe I'll go embrace now. Maybe I'll go enjoy the fact that I have this moment. Maybe I'll go open my soul up to God and just put all of this before Him and let Him sort through the mess and the pieces and the broken parts. He's got mad skills in that area - I've seen it. Really interesting that I still choose to avoid it sometimes...
Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed a truly ADD post.