Monday, February 11, 2008


Last night pushed me beyond the place where you can hold it all in. Last night there came a point when the tears finally escaped my eyes, ran down my face and landed on my pillow. Let this be said, I don't like crying. It's too uncontrolled...too weak...too honest. And probably everything that I actually need to be.
My heart hurts. It's been a painful week. There are those fantastic moments where I just don't know if I can keep going. And I realized that my blog has painted this pretty, challenged but altogether portrayal. That's not life. Right now, each hour is hard. Right now, there are moments when I swear I won't be able to make it through the week. There are moments when I wonder if my heart can actually take one more blow. I can't wait for a silver-lining. I can't wait for relief. But in the midst, I struggle. People's actions, non-actions and all the other facts of life hurts. But the thing is, somewhere in the deepest portions of me, I have hope. I won't try and pull off the great Christian, I have hope message here. I wanted to write these great things about dying on a cross would seem like a very bad day that couldn't be turned around, and yet Jesus took care of that. I wanted to write these great statements about how God has continually shown that He is the God who can always do the impossible. But quite honestly, my words sounded hokey. Don't get me wrong, I know these things within the depths of me, I just couldn't find a way to write it that did it justice and didn't sound like some recycled preacher's kid retort. Let's be honest, that's some big stuff to try and give it justice. But the short version is, I have hope. It's hard. But the struggle is worth it.

Here's a portion of a song that basically runs through my head's Ipod. (Yes, my head has one - I'm ADD)

Even though I walk, through the valley of the shadow of death
I won't turn back 'cause I know You are near.

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be then name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Now granted, that's not the whole song. And for some of you, the whole "blessed be Your name" thing may sound kind of strange. If you ever have questions about it or anything else, let's talk.
Hope this message finds you well...and honest. The charade is not so much fun.


  1. i really wish you lived 5 minutes from me instead of 5 hours for me so we could have those kind of conversations in person. so i could just drop by your house and help you with the housework while we talked. i love reading what you write. i love that God has allowed you to be a friend and an influence in my life so far and even still through the words you write in a blog :)

  2. 5 hours from me. not for me. wow.