And then there were 3...

I want to be thrilled.
I long to have excitement coursing through my veins as I post this.
But it's weighty.  Because there are a lot of unknowns.
The known: In a few months, we will most likely be outnumbered.
Yep...  There's a little one brewing.  And she/he should be joining our family in mid-July.
The weightiness?  I've been having some health issues that could indicate she/he could be at risk for some health issues.  At this moment, I go in every two weeks to see if she/he is still growing and still doing okay.  And as of today, the baby is just fine.  And there are no clear explanations for the issues I'm facing.  But nonetheless, instead of feeling super-duper joyous, it's been difficult to go in every two weeks to find out if she/he is still alive.
But I wanted to let everyone know.  And yes, we thoroughly appreciate your prayers.  Times twenty.

And just so I don't alarm anyone - I am doing okay.  I'm still fine to live my normal life and take pictures and tickle my kids.  I'm not allowed to work out beyond walking at the moment which is slightly frustrating, but it's all good.  And we are still looking forward to the summer weddings we have the privilege of being a part of...

And in other fun news, in two weeks I'll be announcing a new line of photography that will be offered to my clients.  And I couldn't be more excited.

Finally - a special thank you to those of you who have prayed, written encouraging words, brought us meals, held our hands, listened as I cried, watched our kids, cleaned our house (oh my word - best day ever...) and basically carried us through this time.  I don't know where we would be without you actively participating in God carrying us through this difficult time.  We are blessed beyond measure.  And we could not be more thankful for you.  Yes...YOU.

And until this new little one makes her/his debut - you'll have to settle for the extreme cuteness factor of these two...

Open arms

Last night my daughter had a bad dream.  That continued to bother her all day...  Tonight at bedtime she couldn't hold back the tears.  I laid down beside her and covered her in a bear hug.
It didn't help.
So I began to pray.
I asked God to fill our room in such a way that there was room for nothing else.
And then God reminded me.  Pray with your imagination.  After all - He gave it to us.
I explained to Hannah that she had an amazing imagination and we were going to use it to pray.
Amidst muffled sobs she got out, "Okay, mommy."
As I listened to God for how to guide her - the picture came more quickly than I ever could have imagined.  I asked Hannah to picture God just as the Bible often calls Him: as Daddy.  I asked her to imagine Him wrapping her up in a crazy big hug - the biggest hug of her life.  And then to imagine laying down in His lap, with Him stroking her hair as He quietly reminded her, "I love you more than you will ever know.  Let me hold you.  And know that no matter what you face in life, My arms and My lap are always open for you."
I held her a little tighter.  I glanced at her to see how she was doing.  She then waved her hand to signal me to move on.  She was being embraced by God and she didn't need me in the same way anymore. 
And in that moment, I realized God wanted me to know that picture just as much as He wanted my daughter to experience it.
It's true, His arms and His lap are open to me.  Every moment.

Silence

I haven't known what to write.
And let's be honest, I haven't known what to feel.
Or if I feel.
It's those moments where tears start to form that I know - I do.

Two days after I started my break I got a little surprise. 
I found out I was pregnant.
And by little surprise - I mean BIG-whopping-completely unexpected-are you serious? -  kind of surprise.
We had definitely planned to adopt, but we were not planning on having any more of our own.  Like - we-don't-have-maternity-coverage-so-we're-not-having-any-more.

I'd totally be lying if I said I was thrilled.  More like shocked. 

But...I started to accept it.  My jaw slowly resumed its position OFF the floor.  Though it still seemed a little crazy, I started to remember the joys of little new-born-ness.  And how much they change your life in such a great way.

Instead of continuing on factually, I'm just going to get it out there.
I've started having complications.

And I find myself sitting in a doctor's office every other week wondering if this little one will be have a heartbeat.
I stare down the light blue walls.  I laugh at the tropical island picture on the ceiling.  I psycho-analyze the magazine collection and I wait.  And I basically distract myself as I sit wondering if she still has a heartbeat.  Wondering if she's okay.  Wondering if I will hold her in my arms or if Jesus will be the one to hold her until I get to meet her one day...

Silence.

Questions.

So I apologize for being distant.  I just haven't known what to say.  I still don't. 
But the beautiful thing is that in all of this is that people have carried us when we could not walk.  Friends have prayed when I had no words.  And God has broken through and helped me learn to trust Him again.

So thank you for your patience.  I'll know more next week hopefully.  And in the meantime, I'll treasure this time that she is with me.

Here

I'm still here.
Pinky swear...
We've just had a lot of life.
So, I'll be back with new announcements, crazy stories and pictures of incredibly awesome people THIS week.  (And next week there will be some pictures from the wedding we'll be documenting this weekend.  I'm so excited to spend this time with this couple!!!)
In the meantime, I'm gonna go play Just Dance with my kids.