Silence

I haven't known what to write.
And let's be honest, I haven't known what to feel.
Or if I feel.
It's those moments where tears start to form that I know - I do.

Two days after I started my break I got a little surprise. 
I found out I was pregnant.
And by little surprise - I mean BIG-whopping-completely unexpected-are you serious? -  kind of surprise.
We had definitely planned to adopt, but we were not planning on having any more of our own.  Like - we-don't-have-maternity-coverage-so-we're-not-having-any-more.

I'd totally be lying if I said I was thrilled.  More like shocked. 

But...I started to accept it.  My jaw slowly resumed its position OFF the floor.  Though it still seemed a little crazy, I started to remember the joys of little new-born-ness.  And how much they change your life in such a great way.

Instead of continuing on factually, I'm just going to get it out there.
I've started having complications.

And I find myself sitting in a doctor's office every other week wondering if this little one will be have a heartbeat.
I stare down the light blue walls.  I laugh at the tropical island picture on the ceiling.  I psycho-analyze the magazine collection and I wait.  And I basically distract myself as I sit wondering if she still has a heartbeat.  Wondering if she's okay.  Wondering if I will hold her in my arms or if Jesus will be the one to hold her until I get to meet her one day...

Silence.

Questions.

So I apologize for being distant.  I just haven't known what to say.  I still don't. 
But the beautiful thing is that in all of this is that people have carried us when we could not walk.  Friends have prayed when I had no words.  And God has broken through and helped me learn to trust Him again.

So thank you for your patience.  I'll know more next week hopefully.  And in the meantime, I'll treasure this time that she is with me.