confessions

I am an addict.
True story.
My nemesis?
Extreme amounts of purpose.
Yep, I'm addicted to a purpose driven life.  (Not so much the book.  Couldn't seem to read it.)
I cannot rest.
I cannot relax.
I am inept at the art of letting go and having fun.
I am too calculated.
I rush through moments to push on to the next.
And my insides have been known to inwardly revolt when asked to wait.

The problem?
It could look like I'm living a good life.
It's what much of America and Christian Churches are looking for.  (Please note I said much, not all.)

Too bad I lost my soul.

And being an artist? 
Yep. 
Let's just say these two can't be friends.

So...I'm trying to purposefully attack my purposeful pursuits.
And yes, I laughed out loud as I wrote that.  Even if you didn't laugh when you read it...

Today I made myself lay there during the kids rest time.
Just lay there.
Ideas and to-do lists attacking my very brain.
And yet, I laid there.
And laughed with God at how painful the experience was.

But I just know there's something better out there.  This isn't what He wants for me.
And to take the images my soul is longing for, that I know I can, this part of me must go.
Because true artistry causes us to lose all sight of being purposeful and be caught up in the moment.  Or at least, I think so.