Sunday, November 22, 2009

My heart

Legs crossed. Two and a half pump nonfat mocha with one pump peppermint in a cheery red cup placed nicely within reach. (Working at Starbucks forever ruins you from normal drink orders) Cozy North Face fleece (courtesy of my mother-in-law who longs to help me learn how to be warm in the winter) wrapped around my body. Handsome husband seated with computer in lap next to me, Michael Buble serenading me in the background. Red (and green) aproned baristas steaming milks and pouring shots.
Here I sit. I am blessed.
My mind however continually comes back to the absence. The absence of giggles. The absence of diapers. The absence of wondering what random song she’ll sing next. The absence of chocolate milk dates over a Disney Princess game of Memory. The absence of onesies covering a big-bellied baby that hardly ever stops smiling. The absence of all the interruptions, all the chaos, all the crawling, all the “no sir” and “no ma’ams.” The absence of little people hugs, smiles and “mommy, I love yous.”
You see, this morning my eyes happened to fall on the frame of a precious little newborn covered in brown and blue. It was over. Tears started to form and the mom-dar has been on high alert all day.
The truth is, our time down here has been beautiful. We were able to work hard and serve youth workers, which is a ridiculous honor. (I love people who realize how important, amazing and precious youth are) I was given the honor of taking pictures of some historic events for the organization that runs this conference. I had a date with two of my favorite little girls in the world and they helped improve my fashion sense. (Seriously, if my niece Tay decides to follow through with a fashion line, it’s going to be amazing. Watch for her in a few years) I had eye-opening, engaging, beautiful, sacred conversations with both of my incredible sisters-in-law. I had the privilege of watching one of my brothers teach. I got to meet some of my nieces and nephew’s friends over Frosty’s. And I’ve had time with an incredible man who has wrecked my life with his love and kindness in the most insanely beautiful way. I’ve loved it.
But my heart has forever been ruined by these two precious little ones who currently hold my love hostage. And I love it. My heart will always be entangled with all that concerns them and I love it. It is good to miss them. And it is good to know that they will always own my heart.
So in this moment of joy and sorrow that comes as I see all that I have and all that I don’t, I’m happy. And grateful. I’m a screwball, and yet, God has flooded my life with all this beauty. It’s a good day.

Do you see why I'm so smitten?

Nothing but trouble...and the best kind of trouble in the world. (She had stolen Jayden's paci...)

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