Sunday, August 29, 2010

I want my mommy

I didn't plan on being a mom. 
I figured if I ever had children I would misplace them. 
Not because I didn't like them.  But because I would get distracted and lose them like I lose my keys. 
So let's just say I entered motherhood with a lot of insecurities.  And a lot of - "this isn't the way my life is supposed to go."  Accompanied by a whole bunch of "I'll never be a good mother." 
And tears.  Lots of tears.
Add to that the fact that I'm ADD.  And let's just say an ADD mom is a hilarious notion in and of itself.  My "mother-hood" is a little different to say the least.  And if I were to be really honest, which I'm going to, I frequently feel inadequate and "less than" because I'll never be like these other mothers that I love and admire.   I forget my preschooler's assignments.  I celebrate birthdays a month late.  I struggle to get out of the house before 10 am because I usually can't find my phone or my keys.
My children?  They're great.  But I still feel inadequate.  I feel like I can't measure up to the mom I had.  To the other moms I know and adore.  To the mom they need.

This past weekend, my mom and dad-in-law graciously took our kids. 
I was burnt out.  And there were 1,000s of projects I've left undone.  And if I were to be really honest, that whole having Lyme disease thing really kicked my butt and made me feel like an even bigger failure as a mom because I've literally been knocked onto my butt.  And I've been working like crazy.  And I don't know the last time we've been on a date.  (actually I do.  It was our anniversary.  4 months ago.  And before that...  Yeah...)
And while they were there, my little lady got sick.  Like puked-her-guts-out-in-the-front-yard-and-cried-like-crazy sick.  And in that moment, she wanted her mommy.
My totally capable mom-in-law recounted this story to me at dinner.  She told me how Hannah amidst tears cried for me and said I'd know just what to do.
And as she filled me in, I fought back tears.
I know what it's like to want your mommy.  Especially when your sick.  As a matter of fact, I still do.  And for the past 4 years I was afraid I'd be the exception.  I'd be such an awful mom that my kids wouldn't need me when they are sick.  They wouldn't feel that desire to have me there.  That I would fail at what I saw as the core of mom-dom.
And in that moment my heart sang a little.  And I realized - yeah - I'm not a perfect mom.  But somehow - they still love me.  And they don't care that I'm different.  They are crazy enough to think that I know what to do.

PS:  Internet, I do realize that whole "they think I know what to do" thing will change in high school.  But I will enjoy this fleeting moment...


  1. I think you are a wonderful Mom to those beautiful kiddos of yours! It melts my heart to see them sprint across the sanctuary at Church to enter your arms each week!

  2. Amy, this post speaks to me so much because, as you know, the first part about the tears and fears of being a mother ARE my life right now! It's hard to overcome society's standard and perception of what it means and takes to be a good mother, but we can do it! You do it every day, and I am going to! Thank you for such inspiring words and being such a beautiful and wonderful friend and mother...I hope I'm half the mother you are, love.