Wednesday, February 24, 2010

There are not words

Quite honestly, I had grandiose vision for how I would begin this entry. I wanted you (this is me hoping someone is reading...) to be riveted. My words were going to draw you into my story so that you could see how extravagant, how unbelievable, how amazing this dive into photography has been.
But my words felt more like wet noodles without any salt. The longer I sat, the more upset I became and the more I wondered if English was, in fact, my first language.
The truth is, I don't have words to put around all that's been going on. I'm still blown away. I'm still on the verge of tears throughout the day when I take a second to realize all that has transpired. All that God has done. And all the ways I've doubted, questioned, kicked my heels, become all kinds of selfish, refused to listen, begged for reminders and basically acted like a 2-year old. And yet, He has still been faithful.
This morning I filled out a form. It doesn't sound glamorous or intriguing at the onset, but for me it is reason to break out in acrobatics. The form was of the registration persuasion. This form was placed in my (computer's) hands by the incredible company Shootsac who gave me a free registration to the WPPI convention. (If you're not in the photography world, basically this is a huge convention where I can learn so much and meet a lot of people) I giggled as I read the question "How long have you been in the photography business?" The first option was 1-5 years. I've been in this business for 7 months...
So instead of writing something, I'm just going to share with you my conversation with God from 7 months ago. That night I was riding via train into the city for a Smugmug photographer's meeting, feeling all kinds of inadequate and out of place. Here is my conversation with God that night...

I'm so nervous, I feel like a chihuahua on speed. I'm terrified. I feel exposed. I still can't believe I'm on the train headed to this thing. And yes, I have sized up my exits, but there's no real point - it wold be a long walk home.
I am admitting to the world that this is what I want to do. And I do. But what if I look like a fool? What if I embarrass myself? What if I look stupid? What if I mess up? What if I have one of those epic fail moments?
I guess I'll still be Yours. I'll potentially have a good story to tell one day. I might get that much closer to my dreams. I'll still have a husband who love me a ton and still somehow believes in me even after he knows who I really am and how I really am. And my friends will still be my friends. And Hannah and Jayden won't notice or care and they'll still love me.
This is crazy and great. And You're with me. Somehow, You've brought me here and You'll be there no matter what happens. Thank You.
Please keep me aware of how much You're with me - every step - even if I tank. And I'm scared, yet excited to be stepping into this. As crazy as it all is. This should be interesting. Keep teaching me . I guess I'll never grow if I don't step out and take Your hand.

After that I paused to give space to listen. Because that's what great conversations are made of: listening. And in that quiet moment, this is what He said, and I happened to write it down. Oh that I would remember this every day...

I love you. Relax. Enjoy. Take it all in. Dream big. And vivid. And embrace it all.

Here's to you chasing the dreams He gives you...

1 comment:

  1. this was an awesome post. congrats on the shoot sac win! that's a big one!!!