Monday, March 15, 2010

Are you for serious?

I was late. Again.
I have a knack for running late every time I'm supposed to help out at church. I'm not sure what it is. I don't know if Sundays are just a laid back day and I struggle to get anywhere fast or if I'm exhausted from the week. But it never seems to fail, I cannot seem to be on time.
On my way there, I realized I might as well talk to God...

I'm doing it again. Seriously. I'm so sorry. Here I am rushing around instead of taking in this moment with You.
I'm so sorry. I hate that I do this. I hate that my life has become a laundry list of my wants. I hate that I've given in to such a shallow dream. I hate that I'm so consumed with all things Amy. I mean, seriously, there's so much more out there. And just like Donald Miller's book talked about - I'm a tree in a forest and I've managed to think the story was about me, the tree, when it's always been about the forest. And besides - the story about the forest is better.
I'm so sorry. I don't want to settle for a shallow, lame-o story. I want a better story. A story that matters. A story that's connected with Yours.

I just wish I had something to give you. Something that mattered. Something big. Something that could say - I really mean this. Something to offer You.

Clear as day, I heard it. Not in some audible, Darth Vader type voice, but this my-insides-are-shouting-I-cannot-help-but-know-this kind of way.

You do. You can give me you.

My response? For a second, tears welled up within me. Feelings of being found valuable started to creep into my soul and I squelched them immediately. Yep. Cause that's the smart thing to do. Who wants to get all weepy.

So Amy says... But that's not enough. That's just so small. (Yes, you can laugh that I thought I was smarter than God and needed to advise Him on this whole deal...)

Did He let me keep going? NOPE.

You are what I want. Don't you get that? I want all of you. That is my prized treasure. That is what I want. That means the world to me.

Cue that achy, my throat now feels like it's on fire, and someone punched me in the gut at the same time, type feeling as I tried to choke back tears. The God of the universe wants me? I should know this. I know this for other people. I just thought I was too big of a screwball. I needed something more to give Him to make up for my messiness. And what did He want? Me. Just me. That's what meant the world to Him.

And I said...okay.

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